Any computer store on the face of the earth can repair any computer under any warranty.

Hmmm. I bought this computer from wal-mart and now it is not turning on. I just bought it a couple of months ago so it must be under warranty. So how do I get it fixed?

I KNOW!

Take it to the Geek Squad at Best Buy! I am sure they can fix it under warranty.

It is completely natural for a 12 year old to be chatting online with a 45-year old trucker. Lets invite him over to watch a movie!

Do you know who your kid is chatting with on the internet or who they have in their Facebook friends? How old are they? How does your kid know them?

There is no reason to have an antivirus program. That only happens to other people.

This type of thought happens more than you can imagine. Usually, tech savvy people will fall under this category because they know how to avoid infections and surf safe (mostly), but there are still others who are not as savvy that feel this way until it is too late.

Typically, interactions with these people go as follows:

Me: Looks like you have a virus.
Them: How the heck did I get a virus?
Me: (tells them the ways that they can get one and that they should use antivirus)
Them: Well that (insert pre-loaded antivirus here) program kept popping up asking me to renew but I did not think it was anything I needed. So you think I should renew it?
Me: Yes, or use (redacted to avoid antivirus flame wars...right. Like anyone is actually reading this).

IT people automatically know what data needs to be backed up even though they were told there was nothing important on the drive.

This happens quite a bit. You get tasked to reimage a users computer and you make sure to specifically ask if there is anything the user needs off of the computer because the reimage will wipe all data from the hard disk. Erased. Not there anymore.

Then, after the reimage..."Where is that file?"

And of course it is your fault.

Next buttons are enigmatic and complicated puzzles that the average person could never figure out.

You are helping a user install a piece of software. You walk them through downloading the installer, finding the file that they downloaded, and double clicking to begin the install process. Your job is done, right?

Solitaire is the only reason to own a computer.

If you are not over the age of 65, you may have no idea how owning a computer only for solitaire alone can be possible. Well it is possible and I have met the people who deem it so.

Key loggers are a good replacement for taking an active role in your child's life instead of actually having to be there.

I do not know if this is just prevalent where I live or if this is a common thing everywhere.

There have been several times, while working for the small IT company, that I have had a customer come in and request us to put a keylogger on a computer system.

If you know how to turn on a computer, use internet, word process, and send and receive email, you are considered "computer illiterate".

This has to be one of my pet peeves, and I hear it all the time.

You go to do a service call for someone and they sit there and tell you about all the things they do on the computer. Most of which include getting on the internet, making documents of all kinds, working with images, and several other computer tasks. Then, while you are working to fix their issue, they tell you "I am just so computer illiterate".

Just because you do not know how to root out a malware or viral infection does not mean that you do not know how to operate a computer.

Questions to figure out if you are computer illeterate or not:

1. Do you know how to turn on the computer?
2. Do you know how to use a mouse to point and click on things?
3. Do you know how to use a keyboard?
4. Do you know how to open that program you always use?
5. Do you know how to save files in said program?
6. Do you know how to get on the internet?
7. Do you know how to insert the criton into the main synerdrive and start the nightly ID10T batch process?

If you answered yes to everything but #7 (it was nonsense) then you are NOT computer illiterate.

Computer illiterate is when someone asks you how you make the @ symbol for an email address and you say "hold the shift key and press the number 2" and they respond with "where is the shift key?" (true story). It is not knowing the basic concepts of how to use a mouse to point and click. It is having to be told a hundred times how to do basic things, like open the only word document you own and edit, and still have to have detailed written instructions.

The words “hard drive” and “memory” are interchangeable.

"My computer needs more memory"

This is something I hear all the time as an IT guy. How you would normally interpret this statement is that the user is running a lot of programs while the obligatory OS bloat has made the system inefficient by using all available memory and then swapping data to the hard drive. But in a lot of cases this statement ACTUALLY means that the user has run out of hard drive space and can not save their files, or a program had popped up a window stating that space is low.

This is another one of those words like "modem" that people tend to throw around. Unfortunately, when you are talking with someone over the phone and trying to ascertain the problem it does not help that they are talking about two completely different functions of the computer. And most times, that is all the information you will be able to get out of them, which makes it worse.

So if someone says to you "My computer needs more memory", do not assume that they are actually talking about RAM.

Porn magically appears on peoples hard drives.

When working on a computer, I love stumbling upon people's porn collections. What I love more is stumbling across them while the user is sitting there with you.

Usually, this happens when you are having to root out a virus or malware and are browsing shared media folders looking for rogue files. The typical user response is "How did all of that get on there? Did the virus put it there?" or "I have no idea where all of that came from". At this point, as non-judgemental IT people, we have to pretend that we are completely dense and say "Oh, yes I am sure it must have been the virus". What you don't do is offer to remove the files for them because that just causes an awkwardness that you do not want. The exception is if they tell you to delete the files, then you do.

Please do not assume that I am saying that this is the scenario covers all "porn stumble" situations. Mileage may vary. Sometimes you get people so proud of their collection they will show you favorites, which really can be awkward.

The commandment "Thou Shall Not Steal" does not apply to Software and Music.

I know some people on the internet firmly believe this statement when it comes to torrenting music, movies, and other media off of the internet. But, believe it or not, this statement has not been formed by the net pirates I have encountered.

In fact, this statement comes from people I delt with while working at the small tech shop and the big box store in the service department (I got out of sales once I got my A+ certification. Yes..that long ago).

You can burn CDs or DVDs as long as you have the right kind of discs. The burner is optional.

The fact that you would need a device to place data on a recordable CD or DVD seems pretty self-explanatory to a lot of people. Unfortunately, to some, this concept never occurred to them.

When I worked for the big box electronics store we would have customers come in all the time asking what kind of CDs to buy. They knew they wanted to make music discs or that they wanted to back up data. But when asked what kind of burner they had (had to know what speed the burner was in those days) the answer was: "Oh. You have to have a special CD drive to do that?". Cue the obligatory 15 minutes you have to explain and show the customer the CD burners. Unfortunately, nine times out of ten the customer would then say thanks and leave.

This is likely not as common today, since burners normally come with most machines now and disc technology has decently standardized.

If your antivirus claims that it has "quarantined" a virus you must immediately have someone format and reload your system.

The basis for this "lesson" is the massive amount of calls I have taken as an IT person where a user gets a file in their email or downloads a file from the internet that contains some malicious code. Their resident antivirus then scans said file, finds the malicious code, and then quarantines the it before the file can be executed.

Power cords are optional in the functionality of a computer.

Phone rings. You answer.
"My computer won't come on" they say.
"Have you checked the power cord" you ask.
"Yes, I have checked everything and it just will not come on" they reply.
"Do you see any lights on or any sounds coming from the computer at all?" you query.
"No, nothing. I keep hitting the button and nothing happens." the respond, a little annoyed.
You let out a long sigh. "Ok. I will be there shortly." You say with dread in your heart.
You arrive on site and inspect the situation to find...
The power cord is loose or disconnected.

This scenario plays out over and over and over, but never seems to end. It is just as bad as people not being able to follow simple troubleshooting instructions. For an example of this I submit a scene from one of my favorite shows, The IT Crowd.




The IT Crowd is currently available on Netflix streaming and through the iTunes store.

To disconnect a cable from the rear of a computer, leave the obvious screws in place and pull as hard as you can until it comes free.

I wish I could make stuff like this up.

At the time I was working for a small tech shop and we had a woman come in and ask if we could look at her computer. She says she was having issues with the video, stating that the colors in the screen were out of whack.

Any part of a computer may be called a "modem".

This has to be one of the most common things heard while doing tech work.

User's definition of a "Modem": The big box thing down on the floor or on the desk.

Of course, any part of the computer is fair game. It also did not seem to matter that the problem being experienced had nothing to do with the actual modem or the internet.

Virus: Something is wrong with my modem.
Microsoft Word is not launching: Something is wrong with my modem.
Smoke and flames are pouring out of the monitor: Do you think it is something wrong with the modem?

It seems that some users tend to hear certain computer terms and then grasp onto them forever, even if corrected several times.

The internet comes built into a computer and only requires a monitor and keyboard to function.

Back in the late 90's early 2000's, I used to work for a big box electronics store, as a salesperson in the computer department, and I saw all sorts of craziness from customers there.

Now this would not have made the list if I had not heard this same idea from several customers while working for the store, and several years later while working for a small IT shop.

Welcome to IT User lessons!

This blog is dedicated to telling the stories behind my twitter posts. If you do not already know, the twitter feed is dedicated to things done by and heard from general technology users who I have delt with over the years. I hope you enjoy it and I hope to do as many of these as possible.